a steering wheel don't mean you can drive, a warm body don't mean i'm alive

Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up

Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I want to thrive not just survive

--"Thrive" by Switchfoot

This really just says alot about how I currently feel about myself and my life. I feel lost; I've felt lost before. I felt fantastic for a time; I know there were years not too long ago when depression wasn't so oppresive of my life.  I'm not sure how it's gradually snuck up on me again this time, but I am definitely feeling very afraid that I am falling into the depths of depression once again.

This is a picture I took one morning over the summer...I'd had insomnia all night and I decided to try to watch the sunrise...without realizing that it was incredibly foggy out...and it turned out one of the best moments I had all summer.  It may look as though it fits with the idea of depression, but for me, it doesnt; it was so surreal, even more so ethereal....I was standing in the middle of the beach facing the ocean...but I couldn't see the ocean, I could only hear it. No matter which direction I looked, all I could see was fog...with the sound of waves crashing...I felt so alone, but at peace. I walked but to the water's edge and gazed out at the breakers....and beyond that, I could see nothing again. So there I was, just the ocean, the sand under my feet, and me, seemingly floating alone in space.  Nothing existed beyond the fog. It was beautiful.  It was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced. 

I am searching now for that contentment.   I am searching for happiness, for purpose, for direction, for fulfillment, for satisfaction, for relief from fear and anxiety. I am searching for my life. I feel that I am once again stagnant, and I hate it.  Something has to change....for real, this time.

I feel like I travel but I never arrrive....

Invisibility is Bliss

Well, I feel that I can safely say, at this point, that NO ONE but I has ever read this blog.  I don't know if I wanted it to be read, or followed....I think that I really just wanted it to be there. And here it is :)

This have changed alot since my last update.  I AM living in Wildwood, NJ.  I am working at a restaurant, as both a hostess and a waitressing.  I am making some money, though not as much as I had hoped, since I am hostessing on the weekends.  I do not have many friends here, which is strange to me.  I have never had any trouble making friends.  There are alot of people here who I am friendly with, but no one I feel particuarly 'close' to, and thats just strange.  But it's okay.  I am actually getting to spend time with my family and cousins, and I am grateful for that.  I can lay on the beach, swim in the ocean, bask in the sunlight, and dig my feet in the sand many days before work -- so how can I complain, really?  The restaurant I work at is on the bay with a westward view, so I see a glorious sunset every night.....and that is a blessing, I know.  It really is.  I think that, six months ago, I was still riding on the high of being free of my oppresive relatinonship.  Now that that part of my life is really behind me,  I am returning to being 'normal' and just going through the day-to-day, trying to figure everything out.  I am excited to resume classes in the fall, and I am excited for the rest of the summer here in Wildwood.  Every new experience is a learning experience, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

My Heart Has Been My Teacher & I've Learned Quite Alot

Despite the tone of my last post, the past few months have been good months.  I've been happier in the last six months, genuinely, than I was for a long time.  Hence, I am utterly confused, frustrated, and downright annoyed with myself for suddenly feeling jaded.  I have dealt with many struggles, obstacles, and curveballs life threw at me in the last year or so, but through the very worst of them, I came out breathing, relaxing, and even smiling.  I've walked away from knock-down drag-out battles with a few scrapes and scars, but with an optimistic attitude.  And while I would definitely not call my current state of mind pessimistic, it's not quite optimistic either.  It's a stagnat, stuck kind of feeling. Irritating. An itch to be scratched.  So my new goal is to figure out how to scratch this damn thing.

Over the last few weeks, I have pushed myself to say things that I've needed to say to people for quite some time. I procrastinated endlessly.  I overanalyze everything, and I imagine about 17 different responses to anything I say to anyone.  Nerveracking. Choose-Your-Own-Adventure, minus the adventure. But I grew tired of procrastination. I grew tired of having nothing but imaginary conversations filling my thoughts and influencing my emotions. One of my New Years Resolutions was to stand up for myself more, and I have been fulfilling that resolution in little ways.  If someone at work snaps at me unjustly, I snap back.  Why keep apolgizing for things that aren't my fault when I don't have to?  When one of my best friends criticized my driving for the umpteenth time (despite the fact, of course, that she had no license and I've driven her everywhere for the last year and a half,) I directly told her to STOP criticizing something she needs me to do for her constantly.  I never yell at anyone, and I could tell by the awkward silence that followed that she was taken aback.  I don't necessarily like the fact that I snapped at her, but I can't count the times that I bit  my tongue and swalloed my frustrations without addressing that her criticisms were pissing me the hell off.

More significantly, I have recently gotten some romantic notions off my chest.  I felt so anxious after keeping those feelings quiet for so long, I had built up the idea of confessing the truth so much in my mind.  Yet when I finally took the leap and threw caution to the wind, it was...anticlimactic.  As I expected, the feelings were unrequited.  I was relatively ok with this, since I knew that was coming anyway, yet I still expected to feel....more.  More relief, more sadness, more happiness, more anything.  And I didn't.  Now alll I feel is a nagging, grating frustration at my love life.  Nothing in that department is going the way I wish it would all of a sudden.  This is the first time I've even cared about such things as relationships (or lack thereof) in months. To add more emotions to the hormonal wasteland, my ex-boyfriend has had nothing but sweet, nostalgic, romantic things to say to me lately--salt in the wound, thank you very much.  There have only ever been three people for whom I've ever felt anything.  One ruined me, one rejected me, and one has all but forgotten and ignored me entirely.  And for some reason, I suddenly can't brush off the disappointment.

"....only our footprints followed by..."

"And it's you i see, but you don't see me."

I need a change.  Two of my best friends are studying in France...and I think about all the things they must be seeing and experiencing as I brew coffee for what must be the thousandth time at Panera, or clear another load of other people's dirty dishes off a table at T.G.I.Friday's.  This perspective throws into sharp relief all of the things I want but have no pursued.  I want to travel. I want to study. I want to live and experience.  But I have been settling for years.  Settling for jobs that frustrate me, settling for socialization that bores me, settling for men that take me for granted.  I'm done with settling. I'm done with biting my tongue.  I'm done with missing and wishing and wanting and regretting and waiting.  I have refocused and will remain comfortably uncomfortable until I TAKE the things that I want.

This summer, I am going to move to Wildwood, N.J. to work at the shore.  I will waitress at a busy restaurant, make good tips, go to the beach, lose more weight, make new friends, stop caring that my cousins don't care about me, stop trying to impress people who aren't even looking my way.  I'm going to stop living for everyone else.  This is my life.  I am going to live it for me for awhile.

Would you meet me by the water tonight?

-"Dude...dude watch the tramcar."

-"FUCK the tramcar!"

Hellloooooo Wildwood <3

"Do yourself a favor, find a way to get away. And when the summer sun comes, you might shape up, go back to being yourself and do what you love. And when the summer sun comes, you might just say, 'I gotta find a way to get away.'" --Jukebox the Ghost

Why Don't We Ever Believe Ourselves?

Regret is a terrible, vile emotion.  Not because it is uncomfortable and painful, not because it is melancholy and frustrating,  but because it keeps you moving emotionally backwards if you dwell on it.  Any emotion we feel can teach us something, and regret is not excluded from that...but it still has that unhealthy way of making us look over our shoulders at roads we cannot turn around on.  For this reason, I try my best to accept past mistakes and appreciate the lessons they teach me...but sometimes, regret simply sits stagnant until we somehow find redemption.

It seems to me that regret is often the result of bargaining. We bargain things we need for things we want, we bargain time to utiliize for time to waste, we bargain what our head says for what our heart says.  It isn't until later that we really decide if we chose 'correctly'...but the choice has been made.  But if I say that I believe that what is meant to be will be, what does that make of my regrets? The real problem is that we never trust ourselves.  We second-guess, focus on our 20/20 hindsight, force ourselves mentally down roads of what-if and could-have-been.  Why? Obviously there was a time for decision, and we chose what we truly felt what was best for our own happiness. That's the only real motivator, the only true deciding question: "Which option will lead me to greater happiness?"

I am doing my best to trust myself, to remember that I took the paths I took for reason that felt true and legitimate in my heart at some point.  That simple fact means that I chose right.

No more regrets. Just lessons to learn.

(so I guess this is what 'learning' feels like lately...how unoriginal...I'll let a few lines by "Angels & Airwaves" say it better:)

"Did you know? (that i love you?)
Come and lay with me,
I love you!
And on this day, I love you
you make me feel alive,
and I'll love you
til the end of time."

-from "Breathe"

io lo so che non sono solo, anche cuando sono solo.

"Io lo so che non sono solo, anche cuando sono solo...io lo so che non sono solo."

One of the greatest things a professor has ever passed onto me was the song "Fango" by Jovanotti.  It was introduced to me by my Italian professor during my first semester of college at Susquehanna University.  Unbeknownst, of course, to my professor, I was in the midst of a very confusing, unhappy, and lonely time of my life.  Italian 101 was one of the most enjoyable classes I have ever taken, and I will never forget the day Signora Cardin played this song for us (with a translation handout.)  The opening line repeats throughout the song.  In English, it translates to:

"I know that I am not alone, even when I am alone...I know that I am not alone."

It is such a simple phrase...but it meant so much to me.  The song in its entirety is very beautiful.  And at a time when I was feeling lonelier and lonelier in ever-crowding rooms, this kept me company.

Tonight I spent 7 hours with someone who went through an emotionally abusive relationship.  I spent roughly 3 years in the same situation...but have been free of that for over 5 months now.  I am finally getting my life back together, and it's a rebirth of sorts, like childhood wound up...knock-knock jokes can make me giggle.  The birds, even in winter, seem to be singing more (cliche! cliche!) Running feels exhilarating, the air tastes sweet, friendships abound, and every day seems to hold genuine possibility...life! How nice it is to be back!  The girl I was with today only left her abuser yesterday.  Until we spoke today, she had not spoken to a single person who had gone through this (and therefore truly understood.)  And the weird thing was, neither had I.  We sat in 3 different coffeeshops/small eateries, ruined 1 starbucks armchair, read through 2 books on the subject, re-examined 3 of my old diaries, deleted 1 facebook account, drank 4 cups of tea, listened to 5 different songs, cried at least 6 times, ignored over 14 phone calls, and finally, finally found one person who truly understood every word, every emotion, every possible lonely litle thing....

She is leaving him, and she will be ok.  I will make sure she is ok. She will taste the air again.  She will burst to flame and be reborn from her ashes.  She will not go through this alone anymore. Io lo so che non sono solo....