Despite the tone of my last post, the past few months have been good months. I've been happier in the last six months, genuinely, than I was for a long time. Hence, I am utterly confused, frustrated, and downright annoyed with myself for suddenly feeling jaded. I have dealt with many struggles, obstacles, and curveballs life threw at me in the last year or so, but through the very worst of them, I came out breathing, relaxing, and even smiling. I've walked away from knock-down drag-out battles with a few scrapes and scars, but with an optimistic attitude. And while I would definitely not call my current state of mind pessimistic, it's not quite optimistic either. It's a stagnat, stuck kind of feeling. Irritating. An itch to be scratched. So my new goal is to figure out how to scratch this damn thing.
Over the last few weeks, I have pushed myself to say things that I've needed to say to people for quite some time. I procrastinated endlessly. I overanalyze everything, and I imagine about 17 different responses to anything I say to anyone. Nerveracking. Choose-Your-Own-Adventure, minus the adventure. But I grew tired of procrastination. I grew tired of having nothing but imaginary conversations filling my thoughts and influencing my emotions. One of my New Years Resolutions was to stand up for myself more, and I have been fulfilling that resolution in little ways. If someone at work snaps at me unjustly, I snap back. Why keep apolgizing for things that aren't my fault when I don't have to? When one of my best friends criticized my driving for the umpteenth time (despite the fact, of course, that she had no license and I've driven her everywhere for the last year and a half,) I directly told her to STOP criticizing something she needs me to do for her constantly. I never yell at anyone, and I could tell by the awkward silence that followed that she was taken aback. I don't necessarily like the fact that I snapped at her, but I can't count the times that I bit my tongue and swalloed my frustrations without addressing that her criticisms were pissing me the hell off.
More significantly, I have recently gotten some romantic notions off my chest. I felt so anxious after keeping those feelings quiet for so long, I had built up the idea of confessing the truth so much in my mind. Yet when I finally took the leap and threw caution to the wind, it was...anticlimactic. As I expected, the feelings were unrequited. I was relatively ok with this, since I knew that was coming anyway, yet I still expected to feel....more. More relief, more sadness, more happiness, more anything. And I didn't. Now alll I feel is a nagging, grating frustration at my love life. Nothing in that department is going the way I wish it would all of a sudden. This is the first time I've even cared about such things as relationships (or lack thereof) in months. To add more emotions to the hormonal wasteland, my ex-boyfriend has had nothing but sweet, nostalgic, romantic things to say to me lately--salt in the wound, thank you very much. There have only ever been three people for whom I've ever felt anything. One ruined me, one rejected me, and one has all but forgotten and ignored me entirely. And for some reason, I suddenly can't brush off the disappointment.
"....only our footprints followed by..."
"And it's you i see, but you don't see me."
I need a change. Two of my best friends are studying in France...and I think about all the things they must be seeing and experiencing as I brew coffee for what must be the thousandth time at Panera, or clear another load of other people's dirty dishes off a table at T.G.I.Friday's. This perspective throws into sharp relief all of the things I want but have no pursued. I want to travel. I want to study. I want to live and experience. But I have been settling for years. Settling for jobs that frustrate me, settling for socialization that bores me, settling for men that take me for granted. I'm done with settling. I'm done with biting my tongue. I'm done with missing and wishing and wanting and regretting and waiting. I have refocused and will remain comfortably uncomfortable until I TAKE the things that I want.
This summer, I am going to move to Wildwood, N.J. to work at the shore. I will waitress at a busy restaurant, make good tips, go to the beach, lose more weight, make new friends, stop caring that my cousins don't care about me, stop trying to impress people who aren't even looking my way. I'm going to stop living for everyone else. This is my life. I am going to live it for me for awhile.
Would you meet me by the water tonight?
-"Dude...dude watch the tramcar."
-"FUCK the tramcar!"
Hellloooooo Wildwood <3
"Do yourself a favor, find a way to get away. And when the summer sun comes, you might shape up, go back to being yourself and do what you love. And when the summer sun comes, you might just say, 'I gotta find a way to get away.'" --Jukebox the Ghost
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