There's Always Someone Cooler Than You

Well, it's been almost a year since I've posted anything.  I don't think I quite understand the concept of the 'blog' yet, at least not in the context of how I  should be approaching it.  I re-read my post from last October and vaguely stupid; it seems odd for me that I wrote about my personal depression, not in a very reflective or meaningful way but a factual way, on a blog that is very public.  I don't think it gets really any traffic, but the notion that I'm just putting all of this out there is slightly jarring to me all of a sudden.  As I've gotten older I've come to view social media and the internet in new ways.  I used to post too-speficic statuses on facebook about personal problems, but that no longer seems appropriate to me. I'm worndering, then, why posting such things in a blog feels safer?  I know that I could privatize it if I wished to...but I haven't, at least not yet.  I just want to figure out why (not).

Okay, so a year later.  I definitely feel in better spirits than I was this time last year.  To quote Charlie Brown (or really, Charles Schultz): "Nothing ruins the taste of peanut butter like  unrequited love."  And while peanut butter is among my very favorite foods, I know that last fall, it tasted very bland.  I'd been stuck on a one-way street for too long, and I didn't know how to get off of it.  I was slowly making my way off that road, but it was taking too long for comfort.  By the time it was New Years, i felt empowered.  I had high hopes for the coming year.  I felt independent, capable, and confident.  I had lost some weight, and I  flirted fearlessly, and frequently.  At midnight at New Year's I even kissd a stranger-a first for me!  I wish I had just left it at that, a perfect midnight kiss with a stranger...but instead, I went on a date with him.  At the very beginning of our first and only date, he told me 1. that he was an MMA fighter who wished to be a painter, 2. that he had heard voices as a child, 3. that he and his friends were sharks but I was a dolphin, 4. that he had the eyes of a killer, and 5. that he had a trust list, consisting of only his grandmother, himself, and marijuana, but that I was a new contender.  ....Needless to say, I don't plan on kissing a stranger again any time soon.  In February, I went out one night and met a guy who seemed perfect.  He was funny and he had nice teeth/ he loved the The Road by Cormac McCarthy.  He loved Ben Folds.  Within three hours, I was convinced that we should be dating.  I was so overenthusastic and ridiculous that I can only imagine that I severely turned him off; he fake-numbered me.  I felt stupid, embarrassed, and, again, lonely.  I decided to go out the next night, too.  And on that second night, I met my current boyfriend. 

This is where my current dilemma begins.

You see, he is wonderful.  He is sweet, intelligent, fun, creative, responsible, and he has a good sense of humor.  I felt very comfortable around him, and I was absolutely taken aback by how much he liked me.  I wasn't sure I even knew what it felt like to have someone truly like you, even love you, exactly as you are.  I fell in love with his love.  And I am in love with him, still.  But as time goes on, I see my novelty fading in his eyes.  He is becoming bored of me; things that he once thought adorable now seem tired, predictable, and old.  I think I am already hitting my expiration date of being exciting and lovable, after just 8 months together.  Seeing this beginning to happen is having the worst possible effect: it is making me clingier. I can feel myself annoying him, crowding him.  The more he (oh-so-sweetly) tries to gently back away, the more I wrap my arms around him.  It is terrifying.  I had become so independent; in the beginning, I was annoyed by his enthusiasm.  I wanted space, I wanted a break.  I don't know exactly how or when the tides turned, but I feel at a loss as how to balance them back.  And meanwhile, I feel as though my life is simply treading water. 

All around me, my peers are graduating, moving on to grad school, finding careers, studying abroad.  I am in the same small town working at the same small bar with the same crew and the same wardrobe I had last year.  I am 22 and I feel as though I'm living the life of a divorced 52 year old cat lady.  I think I unintentionally invested to much hope and happiness into my relationship too early, and what can I say?

...I feel like a fool.

Anyway, this entry is more whining and pointless than those before it, but it feels vaguely theraputic to type it all out...so I guess I'll leave it as is.

~K

traded all the naughty nights for niceness, landed in a very common crisis

Sooo 2012 is my year....or so I decided.   There are already a lot of moments I am not proud of....but on the whole, I am happy with who I have been so far this year (aka, durnig January and the beginning of February.) I have been exercising often....I run between 1 and 2 miles each time I visit the gym, plus the various machines to focus on each muscle...I hate being surrounded by skinny, adorbale friends who have normal metabolisms that allow them to eat anything they wish while maintaining ridiculously skinny and fit bodies, whether they exercise or not. Still, the feeling of earing the tigther body and the loss of pounds is ridiculously satisfying, so I am happy :)
     I am quite angry with my best male friend.  He has basically been a douchebag to the greatest extent possible that a man can be without also being a boyfriend/significant other.  He has all but ignored me ever since he gained interest in a very adorbale mutual friend.  She is fantastic, and I understand his attraction...but since he noticed her, our friendship has truly evaporated.....and in my book, that is NO friendship at all.   Is it me??
   No one reads this blog, and that's the way I like it, yeah that's the way I like it.  I have nothing truly relevant to say, nothing truly important to say, simply self-indulgant ramblings about things that are of no real significance, but at least I get to watch my very own words appear on a screen......so fuck the world.

I am calling it a night.

<3 love to and from myself, since I'm the only one who will ever see this.