Regret is a terrible, vile emotion. Not because it is uncomfortable and painful, not because it is melancholy and frustrating, but because it keeps you moving emotionally backwards if you dwell on it. Any emotion we feel can teach us something, and regret is not excluded from that...but it still has that unhealthy way of making us look over our shoulders at roads we cannot turn around on. For this reason, I try my best to accept past mistakes and appreciate the lessons they teach me...but sometimes, regret simply sits stagnant until we somehow find redemption.
It seems to me that regret is often the result of bargaining. We bargain things we need for things we want, we bargain time to utiliize for time to waste, we bargain what our head says for what our heart says. It isn't until later that we really decide if we chose 'correctly'...but the choice has been made. But if I say that I believe that what is meant to be will be, what does that make of my regrets? The real problem is that we never trust ourselves. We second-guess, focus on our 20/20 hindsight, force ourselves mentally down roads of what-if and could-have-been. Why? Obviously there was a time for decision, and we chose what we truly felt what was best for our own happiness. That's the only real motivator, the only true deciding question: "Which option will lead me to greater happiness?"
I am doing my best to trust myself, to remember that I took the paths I took for reason that felt true and legitimate in my heart at some point. That simple fact means that I chose right.
No more regrets. Just lessons to learn.
(so I guess this is what 'learning' feels like lately...how unoriginal...I'll let a few lines by "Angels & Airwaves" say it better:)
"Did you know? (that i love you?)
Come and lay with me,
I love you!
And on this day, I love you
you make me feel alive,
and I'll love you
til the end of time."
-from "Breathe"
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
io lo so che non sono solo, anche cuando sono solo.
"Io lo so che non sono solo, anche cuando sono solo...io lo so che non sono solo."
One of the greatest things a professor has ever passed onto me was the song "Fango" by Jovanotti. It was introduced to me by my Italian professor during my first semester of college at Susquehanna University. Unbeknownst, of course, to my professor, I was in the midst of a very confusing, unhappy, and lonely time of my life. Italian 101 was one of the most enjoyable classes I have ever taken, and I will never forget the day Signora Cardin played this song for us (with a translation handout.) The opening line repeats throughout the song. In English, it translates to:
"I know that I am not alone, even when I am alone...I know that I am not alone."
It is such a simple phrase...but it meant so much to me. The song in its entirety is very beautiful. And at a time when I was feeling lonelier and lonelier in ever-crowding rooms, this kept me company.
Tonight I spent 7 hours with someone who went through an emotionally abusive relationship. I spent roughly 3 years in the same situation...but have been free of that for over 5 months now. I am finally getting my life back together, and it's a rebirth of sorts, like childhood wound up...knock-knock jokes can make me giggle. The birds, even in winter, seem to be singing more (cliche! cliche!) Running feels exhilarating, the air tastes sweet, friendships abound, and every day seems to hold genuine possibility...life! How nice it is to be back! The girl I was with today only left her abuser yesterday. Until we spoke today, she had not spoken to a single person who had gone through this (and therefore truly understood.) And the weird thing was, neither had I. We sat in 3 different coffeeshops/small eateries, ruined 1 starbucks armchair, read through 2 books on the subject, re-examined 3 of my old diaries, deleted 1 facebook account, drank 4 cups of tea, listened to 5 different songs, cried at least 6 times, ignored over 14 phone calls, and finally, finally found one person who truly understood every word, every emotion, every possible lonely litle thing....
She is leaving him, and she will be ok. I will make sure she is ok. She will taste the air again. She will burst to flame and be reborn from her ashes. She will not go through this alone anymore. Io lo so che non sono solo....
One of the greatest things a professor has ever passed onto me was the song "Fango" by Jovanotti. It was introduced to me by my Italian professor during my first semester of college at Susquehanna University. Unbeknownst, of course, to my professor, I was in the midst of a very confusing, unhappy, and lonely time of my life. Italian 101 was one of the most enjoyable classes I have ever taken, and I will never forget the day Signora Cardin played this song for us (with a translation handout.) The opening line repeats throughout the song. In English, it translates to:
"I know that I am not alone, even when I am alone...I know that I am not alone."
It is such a simple phrase...but it meant so much to me. The song in its entirety is very beautiful. And at a time when I was feeling lonelier and lonelier in ever-crowding rooms, this kept me company.
Tonight I spent 7 hours with someone who went through an emotionally abusive relationship. I spent roughly 3 years in the same situation...but have been free of that for over 5 months now. I am finally getting my life back together, and it's a rebirth of sorts, like childhood wound up...knock-knock jokes can make me giggle. The birds, even in winter, seem to be singing more (cliche! cliche!) Running feels exhilarating, the air tastes sweet, friendships abound, and every day seems to hold genuine possibility...life! How nice it is to be back! The girl I was with today only left her abuser yesterday. Until we spoke today, she had not spoken to a single person who had gone through this (and therefore truly understood.) And the weird thing was, neither had I. We sat in 3 different coffeeshops/small eateries, ruined 1 starbucks armchair, read through 2 books on the subject, re-examined 3 of my old diaries, deleted 1 facebook account, drank 4 cups of tea, listened to 5 different songs, cried at least 6 times, ignored over 14 phone calls, and finally, finally found one person who truly understood every word, every emotion, every possible lonely litle thing....
She is leaving him, and she will be ok. I will make sure she is ok. She will taste the air again. She will burst to flame and be reborn from her ashes. She will not go through this alone anymore. Io lo so che non sono solo....
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