a steering wheel don't mean you can drive, a warm body don't mean i'm alive

Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up

Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I want to thrive not just survive

--"Thrive" by Switchfoot

This really just says alot about how I currently feel about myself and my life. I feel lost; I've felt lost before. I felt fantastic for a time; I know there were years not too long ago when depression wasn't so oppresive of my life.  I'm not sure how it's gradually snuck up on me again this time, but I am definitely feeling very afraid that I am falling into the depths of depression once again.

This is a picture I took one morning over the summer...I'd had insomnia all night and I decided to try to watch the sunrise...without realizing that it was incredibly foggy out...and it turned out one of the best moments I had all summer.  It may look as though it fits with the idea of depression, but for me, it doesnt; it was so surreal, even more so ethereal....I was standing in the middle of the beach facing the ocean...but I couldn't see the ocean, I could only hear it. No matter which direction I looked, all I could see was fog...with the sound of waves crashing...I felt so alone, but at peace. I walked but to the water's edge and gazed out at the breakers....and beyond that, I could see nothing again. So there I was, just the ocean, the sand under my feet, and me, seemingly floating alone in space.  Nothing existed beyond the fog. It was beautiful.  It was one of the most beautiful moments I have ever experienced. 

I am searching now for that contentment.   I am searching for happiness, for purpose, for direction, for fulfillment, for satisfaction, for relief from fear and anxiety. I am searching for my life. I feel that I am once again stagnant, and I hate it.  Something has to change....for real, this time.

I feel like I travel but I never arrrive....